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Marriage and Commitment
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Post by
260787
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Post by
Patty
Well, how strong and stable is your relationship? Would it survive marriage; have you lived together, how close are you both? They're more important matters about engagement and marriage than gender, quite frankly (although who wears the dress may be problematic - to anyone who can't read sarcasm across the internet, that was a joke). Your mother would probably be happy for you, although as she's religious and things may be difficult. Hope you're happy with whatever decision you reach. ;)
Post by
pezz
How do you know that you're ready for such a commitment?
Same with so many similar things in life: You won't know for certain until you've already done it.
We've had our quarrels but we always overcame it.
Are they the same quarrels, or do you solve old ones and move on? This isn't an issue at all, unless you fight about the same things over and over, but I'm sure there's statistics somewhere that are going to be more persuasive than me.
I have never actually wanted to get married because I don't like to be the centre of attention. I don't like having all eyes on me.
Your marriage should be one of those things in life where you get to be as picky and self-centered as you like. If you don't want a big fancy wedding with a ridiculous amount of people present and all focused on you, have a small wedding. Immediate family only, or something. Maybe smaller. You are not obligated to let other people dictate how big your wedding is.
As for the family acceptance: Do you value the worse possible case scenario not happening more than getting married? That's what you have to decide.
Edit: I rushed that last point, as is probably obvious by the period at the end I realized I missed. My point was that your wedding is ultimately your choice alone, and the way your family reacts is ultimately theirs. You'll have to weigh what might happen with the relationship between you and some of your less accepting family members against what you might gain from being married.
Post by
260787
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Post by
pezz
@pezz: The thing is, that if I got married, I'd want it to be a fairly major event in my life; I just have a stage-fright issue and hate being the centre of attention. Another thing is that I'd honestly prefer to invite friends over my immediate family; my sisters and twin would be exceptions. In doing so, I'd feel like a huge @#$%^&bag and feel guilty the entire ceremony.
I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but it kind of sounds to be like that's something you'll have to deal with. If you truly value having your wedding being a big production, stage fright is going to be one more hurdle on the way towards having that. No less valid and no less important to overcome than more mundane things, like the simple cost of a big wedding (which is somewhat greater than that of the invasion of Normandy, in Dave Barry's words).
And the 'immediate family only' was just an example based on a pretty stereotypical picture of these things.
Post by
260787
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Post by
MyTie
I don't know if you want my opinion or not, since we are so very different, but you asked openly, so I will give it. Keep in mind, my opinions are strong, and I don't hold back. I hope you don't take offense.
First of all, I think you need to examine what marriage means to you, and if you want that.
Personally, from reading your post, I don't think you should get married. Obviously, I don't believe that homosexuals should get married, but my reasoning goes a bit deeper than that. I don't think
YOU
should get married, to
anybody
, right now. The reason is that your post was all about you. Read back through it and count the references to yourself, and then count the references to your signifcant other. Most of what you were saying is kind of self centered. Take this for example:The thing that I like about marriage is that you're off the market. You are no longer 'free' to date anyone and you are tied down to one person.In my opinion, you have to be ready to DIE for the one you love. If you had to make a decision to give your life so your spouse could keep theirs, how long would you have to think about it. For me and my wife, the decision would come instantly. I can't go another second without her in my life. She means more to me than ANYTHING: my kids are not as valuable to me, neither is my own life and death, my soul, ANYTHING. That thought you had about not being "on the market" is a repulsive one to me, in the context of marriage. If you were
truely
ready to get married, you wouldn't even think about that. It wouldn't even enter your mind.
This is, of course, through the lens of my opinion of marriage. Again, I hope I was honest and not offensive. It is only my intent to help you.
Post by
260787
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Post by
260787
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Post by
282759
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Post by
MyTie
It is refreshing to see you thinking before acting, when so many people don't.
Post by
374287
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Post by
Squishalot
Well, there are a couple of ways of looking at it.
1) Marriage is sacred. In this respect, everything that MyTie has said about what marriage means in terms of commitment and devotion holds true, and I don't need to add anything (except that I didn't see your original post as being self-centered).
2) Marriage, as opposed to a civil union or de-facto, is a status. As far as tax breaks and other government benefits are concerned, married couples generally get some pretty good financial incentives. Given you've been with him for the past 6 years and living together for the past 3 (17's a really young age to move out, btw), it's a shame to miss out on those perks.
3) Marriage is a societal label. Is it worth putting up with the crap that you'd get from family and others, for the sake of broadcasting something personal? Financial incentives aside, what does marriage offer you above and beyond your existing de facto status?
Just a few thoughts to chew on. Really - why do you want to do this?
Post by
Aimsyr
Well, just remember:
You do not have to get married
I know several people who have been with each other for years and they have never been married, marriage is not a necessity. After all, it is just a ceremony, you can be faithful etc etc etc without being married so I personally do not see the point in marriage. Also you could always get married in a few years from now, it does not necessarily have to be right now.
But yeah, theres some benefits to get married and theres benefits as to not getting married, as for twenty being a young age, it depends on how mature the person is mentally and also if they would be able to handle it rather than age being a factor.
Also about people not accepting it, that's their problem. If they can't deal with your sexuality then that should not be something that you have to dwell upon. Besides if you love the person you are getting married to enough then family should not be an issue, and if your brother and father are only uncomfortable about it there is definitely a chance they will get used to it and I mean, they won't hate you for it no matter how much they are uncomfortable about it.
Also, if your mother has issues that is not your problem. I have a friend who is religious and because o his beliefs he dislikes homosexuals and so on, but that will not benefit him in the future at all. If your mother can't put differences and beliefs aside for even her own family then you don't need to actually have that much to do with her. I do not know exactly how it is with your family. I do not get on well with mine at all, especially my mother and so I personally don't give a damn about what they think about my decisions.
But yeah, food for thought.
Post by
Patty
In all honesty, the reason it was self-centred was because none of you know him. He doesn't post here or even frequent here. The only thing you know, is me. On top of that, it's me who has the problems. These are issues that
I'm
having which I'm looking for advice on. The market comment, I agree, it was a selfish one but it's not the only one.It's also true, however, especially when you are 20. You said you've been with him for a few years, so you may not have experienced anything (or much) with other people, so it's probably making things difficult for you to judge. However, if you really are happy you could get engaged and have a long engagement period, in which you really scrutinise the relationship in all aspects. Now, is it something that requires a bit more maturity than I believe I have? Maybe so, which is maybe why I should wait.
Well, you seem fairly mature anyway - or precocious, I should really say. Another thing to consider is the age difference, it may not be a barrier at all for you, but maybe your partner wants to marry sooner rather than later
because
he is 30. To be honest, if you think you need to question us about it, I think that you need more time before engaging or marrying - you should really be set in your convictions that it is the right time, not just the right person.
Another thing you mentioned was about stage fright. This probably won't help at all, but I used to be really nervous, introverted and unconfident; doing drama helped me overcome that so much. You're doing a vetinary course at university, aren't you? You might be able to join an extra-curricular group which are performance orientated and try it out, because if you can forget about yourself in front of other people and act as another person comfortably, being yourself in front of others becomes a piece of !@#$.
Eh, this was probably some useless crap, but just some things to consider.
Post by
179128
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Post by
315874
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Post by
608750
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Post by
MyTie
Obviously, I don't believe that homosexuals should get married, but my reasoning goes a bit deeper than that.
I'm so very tempted to start a discussion about this and why people like Gorefiend, me and so many others shouldn't get married, but I guess this is not the place to do so...
I believe there are threads where you can take the discussion though... hint hint (would love to hear your views)
Post by
608750
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