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The Cracks in the wall (STOREH)
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Post by
324632
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Queggy
Don't have time to read it all right now 'cause I need topractice my flute but two things jumped out at me. Don't bold, it makes it hard to read and second TOO MANY COMMAS! But I'll read it later.
Post by
324632
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Coats
I agree with Queggy. Too many commas.>.>
Post by
324632
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Queggy
OK, thanks now it's easier to read. I'll edit this post once I finish.
Alright - It's pretty good except for the grammar/spelling errors. Lol, I can see how I influenced you which is cool. One thing which would be nice is if you fleshed out the story about more. It just kind of jumps about right now. But, you only did in a few hours, so good job!
Post by
324632
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
324632
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Coats
Umm, Well, I've always liked writing stories, and thought I'd do one. (Also inspired by Queggy)
Lirah sat on the floor, hunched over with her back to the wall. She appeared to be simply gazing, staring into space as if she was gormless, but all the Guards
k
new that she wasn't. Lirah was blind. She would sit and think for hours, about the Corporation, the Droids, her cell, and James. She hoped he was alright without her, and that Mum was safe too
. She hoped that
if
the Drones hadn't reached her house yet. Surely they wouldn't hurt her, surely the Drones wouldn't do what they did to Shekah as they did to Texas, Canada and all of the other cities they had destroyed. Lirah continued to sit and stare, wallowing in her despair, praying to a god she didn't even believe in. She contemplated giving up, but what was the point? What could she, a 15 year old girl from a tiny village do to a gigantic evil thing like the Corporation? But the fire inside her head wouldn't let her go. It burned there. Her passion, her fight, her resolve, were not going to let her give up. She stood and felt with her hands along the wall, checking for anything, something she could use. She couldn't see it anyway, but the only lights in the room were coming from the small cracks in the ceiling
(If she was blind, how would she know where the light is coming from?)
. She couldn't even see when the darkness came, and she was still looking, searching for a way out.
James stood outside the towering Corporation building, contemplating his next move. The mind-link he shared with his twin sister had brought him here. He could tell she was in danger. He had to save her. But how? He hadn't brought much with him
;
he didn't have much anyway
,
.
B
ut what he did have, he treasured. He had a few supplies of fish and herbs, a rope
,
if he should need it, but most importantly
,
a small dagger
with him
. Drones were made of steel, but the wires between their bodies and their heads could be easily severed. He had hidden the dagger in his boot, so if his other supplies were taken he still had a weapon
, and
.
I
f it all went wrong
,
he had a last resort to make sure he never became a Drone – a brain. He looked up and down the building again, sighed, and slowly began to walk towards it.
This whole thing had started a couple of months ago.
The Corporation had been a
n
apparently small time thing, working in robotics and repairing. But it had turned out to
all have
have all
been an act, because it was building an army. The people it would work for would vanish, and never be seen again. The Corporation's building was a cursed place, the locals said; they said you could always hear screams coming from the building, and the people who went in never came out.
The leader of the corporation
,
was actually a human
,
:
well, partly. Garavan Dorn
,
had hated the human race; he hated it for being weak and wasteful. He hated it so much that he made part of himself robotic; he had claws, and the very few people who saw him and lived to tell the tale would say that his eyes were a blood red color, but too wide and fast to ever be a humans.
And he was building an army.
He had decided that the human race was a problem so he had begun to remove them. The people who he took to his factory would be quietly murdered, and then facilitated, their brains would be put into drones, and the rest of them would be used in other ways
,
:
such as testing the strength and a speed of a drone. Once he had massed his army, he had declared war. His base was in Washington and he had purposefully targeted the important figures first. The White House and other national monuments were all torn down
.
and he
Garavan Dorn had
then unleashed his wave of terror on the rest of the US
,
;
sending
his drones surging through the towns and cities, killing everyone
that got in their way
,
.
T
he
more resistence the army met, the more drones were created. With so many drones created, more people got in the way. With more people in the way, the bigger the army got.
bodies becoming facilitated into drones, and the more people that were killed, the bigger the army got.
I’m gunna leave it there for now, will add more later, what do you think?
Yes, I am very bored. also, at the beginning you called the robots "Droids". Later you changed the name to "Drones".
Post by
Laihendi
Don't have time to read it all right now 'cause I need topractice my flute but two things jumped out at me. Don't bold, it makes it hard to read and second TOO MANY COMMAS! But I'll read it later.
learn2tuba
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