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Frost's Grasp
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Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Orranis
A good start. I have two major problems with it.
The first one is that you seem to show, not tell. I am a lover of detail, and hearing people note that things happen, but not actually describe them, bores me. I feel like I'm reading a history text book.
Take this example:
She charged the monster, smacking it with her shield and immediately thrusting with the spear of her mother, Ninghost, the hound's bane. The lich was hurled backwards in a great burst of flame, catching itself and drawing it's own weapon, a massive two handed sword.
Then replace it with this:
Teleta rushed forward the monster, spear outstretched. All her focus was on him, and the rest of the world had become a swift blur of color, as she ran past it. Her enemy, equally intent on her, stepped left in an uncannily fast motion. It did not seemed like he moved, more like he was simply there one moment and suddenly he existed once more, only a few feet left. Luckily, the spear had been a ruse. She shifted her weight quickly, so that she almost fell over left. Her shield connected with bone in a hollow sounding crack, and the Tauren stumbled back, reeling. He had expected to dodge the blow, and was stunned. Teleta did not think about taking advantage of this, her body simply did. No longer was the fighting planned, it was all instinctive. She drove Ninghost, the hounds bane, into his thinly fleshed chest. It struck bone, but instead of piercing it, it seemed to retract. Then she felt a great burst of heat, and from the tip of the spear blossomed a fiery red and yellow fire. Then she realized what was happening, and the thundering crack of an explosion rang out. The Undead was thrown backwards, tumbling throuh the air as if he were a puppet with cut strings. He landed on his feet, and though his ankle bones bent and near shattered, he did not even notice. He put his arms up, and drew from his back a fearsome blade. It was almost as big as he was, and bigger than Teleta. It was forged from dark metals, though bright icy blue runes glowed on the flat of it's blade, giving it a blueish hue. A fearsome weapon indeed.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Orranis
Ahh, and I forgot my other comment. Have you ever seen the Star Trek series? Your Tauren feels like a Red Shirt. I think this should have gone in the fourth chapter (or so), after we've gotten to know him and like him. He goes off somewhere and becomes a Lich. If you kill him off just as we meet him, we really can't feel anything. It also brings up another question. You need to display her feelings a little more. Is she sad he's dead? Or is she content that he's finally at rest?
Your good friend, Face.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Orranis
Aaah... Undead deaths are difficult to understand. I missed the teleport part though.
Post by
Morec0
Chillingly good - ha ha.
Post by
Orranis
Chillingly good - ha ha.
*Facepalm*.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Morec0
Well someone had to say it...
Post by
Adamsm
Morec always hits us with the bad puns.
Post by
Morec0
That - and TFN - is pretty much why I'm here.
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