This site makes extensive use of JavaScript.
Please enable JavaScript in your browser.
Classic Theme
Thottbot Theme
I like a girl...but......(Warning: Long Read)
Post Reply
Return to board index
Post by
ElhonnaDS
Generally on dating sites, people are getting a lot of invites. You probably won't hear back from someone for a couple of days- especially if they already made a date for the upcoming weekend. IMO, you seem very impatient about the whole dating thing. You didn't get an immediate reply from Zoosk, so you wrote the girl off and deleted your account. You just met the previous girl after years, and immediately asked to hang out. You didn't get a response from the previous girl, and you started agonizing over it right away. Relax- nothing is going to be immediate, right away, etc. These things have a natural flow, and if you start getting aggressive about pushing them faster (especially with strangers from online dating sites), you're going to sabotage yourself.
Post by
HiVolt
I'm not going to be able to move out of my city, so anyone outside of here is a no. I'll admit, this site has quite a bit more appealing women than zoosk (including one I know from high school), and I haven't even done that much looking yet. You may be right. And I don't think I put too much into the message, I just said hi and that I liked her profile, said we had quite a bit in common and asked her what her favorite type of music was (which is what the zoosk.com first message guide told me to do). I'll try your method tho.
I'm not saying that you should move or anything, I'm just saying that a little bit of a commute to meet someone shouldn't be too tough to manage. If nothing else, the two of you could always meet halfway.
And try not to be too vague with the message. Saying hello and commenting on their profile is good. It is a little mundane, I'll admit, but I've found that messages that are any longer than a few sentences aren't good. You also want to try and put a little bit of your own personality into your message. I know it can be hard to do that with only a few sentences, but I like to think of it as a fun writing exercise. Making it interesting without making it too long. But then, that's probably just me.
Post by
588688
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Adamsm
Sold,
CALM THE ^&*! DOWN!
Seriously man, just take a massive deep breath, let it out and chillllllll. Don't come on strong, act like a human not a horn dog. For Zoosk, should have just done a simple 'hey how are you' type thing to break the ice. As for the Facebook thing; yeah you came on way too strong: You need to learn what the woman wants first before deciding things for her. I mean really man, look at how you got so angsty over the whole thing; if you want to reconnect to someone from your youth, start small and don't expect them to remember you like you remember them.
But again: Calm down and act like a person. Cliched as it is, be yourself; I am a social misfit, yet I've been in a relationship with someone I met online for a year and a half now. Just need to dial it back by about 30 and stay calm.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
The zoosk thing didn't fail- you didn't give it time to work. In future endeavors, send the message and then relax and see what happens.
Post by
Adamsm
Oh and remember the prime thing of dating sites Sold: Females get about 75% more messages then the males do. So if you don't hear back right away, just relax and keep looking around, because it's gonna be a while before you hear anything. Heck, my girlfriend sent me the opening email lol.
Post by
HiVolt
Oh and remember the prime thing of dating sites Sold: Females get about 90% more messages then the males do.
Fixed that for you. The male to female ratio for pretty much every dating site is about 10:1.
Post by
588688
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Adamsm
Again tho, I was just doing what Zoosk told me to do:
http://blog.zoosk.com/2009/08/13/first_message_onzoosk/
Yeah...but that was just a sample, and really, not a lot of people actually do that. If you notice, step 3 is 'Cool your jets'; that means stay calm and collected and don't freak out if you don't get an instant reply.
And didn't you guys say before that if they don't respond shortly after they've seen the message, then it means they're not interested? Now you're telling me I need to wait, and eventually they should respond. I don't get it, I just don't get it.
Sold, if you walked up to a random girl and hit on her, what would be her most obvious automatic response: A big fat no. As with all other things, patience is a freaking virtue; again, stay calm and stop trying to rush. I mean really, think about what you did with Zoosk: You quit in a huff, because the girl wasn't automatically interested in you. If she is as you say, she probably has dozens of guys sending her messages a day, so while she may look yours over, it's possible she won't find you interesting...or she will, but now that you quit, she can't tell you that.
Seriously, chill out and relax. Desperation is something both sexes can smell, and those who stink of it, rarely get anywhere in the dating world.
Post by
HiVolt
Again tho, I was just doing what Zoosk told me to do:
http://blog.zoosk.com/2009/08/13/first_message_onzoosk/
And didn't you guys say before that if they don't respond shortly after they've seen the message, then it means they're not interested? Now you're telling me I need to wait, and eventually they should respond. I don't get it, I just don't get it.
Well, it's a fine line, really. If they're interested, they'll respond, but they'll do it on their own time. It varies from person to person, too. Some people might respond right away, others may not.
This subject isn't one that you can look at logically. The subject of relationships doesn't really have any data you can empirically analyze in order to make an informed, rational decision. It took me a long time to learn that.
The best advice that we could possibly give you is to just be yourself and chill out a little. It's not a race, man. There are no winners or losers.
Post by
588688
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Adamsm
Then simply put man....grow a spine and stick to your own purpose, rather then asking complete strangers for advice if you are so conflicted.
But the fact is, the situation is different everywhere, be in online or in real life: You hit on a cute girl in a club, she tells you no in that instant...or she strings you along to get drinks, or she really likes you. Same thing can happen on the internet.
Just remember, being Desperate is never good, and both of your attempts here just scream desperation to me.
Post by
HiVolt
Everyone is constantly going back and forth on their advice, making it impossible for me to make the right decision. I can't possibly learn what I'm supposed to do if no one is going to remain consistant in their advice, I can't, I just can't understand.
Maybe that's the problem, man. None of us really know any more about this subject than you do. All of this stuff, people either inherently know, or they don't and they have to learn what works for them through trial and error. I fall into the latter group, and so do you. So do most people, I would wager.
You're getting conflicting advice because what works for some people doesn't work for others. I think that I've been fairly constant with my advice, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is what works for you. If you don't know, try some things out. You'll find out soon enough what works and what doesn't. All it takes is patience and the willingness to try those things.
There is no road map, here man. We're just trying to help in what ways we know. Our methods might work, they might not. We can't say definitively if they will or won't because we're not you or your prospective dates.
Post by
588688
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
HiVolt
I won't give up, I'll figure out how, somehow.
There it is, dude. Hold on to this idea. You'll need it.
All the advice in the world may not help you, but this mindset absolutely will.
Post by
Squishalot
Generally on dating sites, people are getting a lot of invites. You probably won't hear back from someone for a couple of days- especially if they already made a date for the upcoming weekend. IMO, you seem very impatient about the whole dating thing. You didn't get an immediate reply from Zoosk, so you wrote the girl off and deleted your account. You just met the previous girl after years, and immediately asked to hang out. You didn't get a response from the previous girl, and you started agonizing over it right away. Relax- nothing is going to be immediate, right away, etc. These things have a natural flow, and if you start getting aggressive about pushing them faster (especially with strangers from online dating sites), you're going to sabotage yourself.
@ Sold - I would suggest listening to the only female posting in this thread at the moment (quoted above), because not only is she best placed to really tell you how it looks from the other side of the fence, but she's also right.
I don't think you need to figure things out, I think you just need to relax and not build up expectations in your mind. If you find yourself stressing out and getting worked up before you've even sent a message on a dating website, then your mind is already creating this expectation of how she'll respond, where you'll go for your first meeting, how cool hanging out with her would be... That's when you should be taking a step back, winding down, and remember that you're thinking about someone that you've never met, based on miscellaneous things she's entered into a website in order to find someone who will find her appealing.
My personal approach when I used to use a similar website was to take the view that I was out to make a new friend. Not to find a girlfriend, or to hook up, or anything else, but just to meet new people who happened to be female, and possibly build up a friendship, and if anything else happens, then so much the better. Any messages I sent reflected that mindset, and it might be a cultural difference, but I had a decent response rate when it came to getting replies.
Edit: I'd also like to note, I'd generally ask to chat online, rather than jump straight into asking to meet up for coffee / lunch / etc.. Then, once I got the chance to know them a bit more by chatting to them, we'd organise something appropriate (e.g. took one girl to play tennis for an hour - not that recommended, as it's really hard to talk, as we found out).(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##Squishalot##DELIM##
Post by
Gone
Sold if you don't mind my asking what is your situation right now? Like are you working, or in college at all?
Post by
Magician22773
2. Don't be surprised, in fact, be prepared, for her to be a much different person than the one you have such fond memories of from early in life. At 20 years old, she is going to be a much, much different person than she was at 13.
3. Understand that rejection is a part of finding that "special someone". It is very uncommon to hit a home run on the first pitch.
4. BREAK OUT OF YOUR SHELL. I have no idea at all what you look like, what your social skills are, or what you are like in real life.
But there is a place, and a partner, for everyone out there. Its up to YOU to find them.
5. Make the best out of yourself. This can be a simple as having a clean haircut, or wearing the nicest outfit you can, or as hard as starting a workout to improve your physical appearance. Just don't try to be someone or something you are not. Don't run out and get the trendiest clothes if you are really more conservative. Don't start listening to Hip-Hop if you actually enjoy Classical music. Discover who you are, and make the best of who that person is.
I'm gonna tell you a little story...about hunting.
Growing up, I went deer hunting every year with my dad, from about the time I was old enough to be able to keep up with him in the woods. We really had horrible luck. But every year, we were back in the woods, and we loved the whole "ritual" of deer hunting. Waking up before dawn, dressing out in full camo, sighting the rifles in just perfect. I hunted with my dad for about 13 years, and between us, we bagged a total of 1 deer.
When I purchased my first home, I picked a house with 100 acres of land, so that I could hunt on my own land, instead of on public land. The first year deer season rolled around, and I had only had my property for less than a month.
We woke up that morning, like every year, at 4am. Showered with special soap to mask our human scent, dressed out in full camouflage, We even had little disks that we laced into our boots to leave a scent trail as we walked.
As we got to the gate that separates my yard from my field, even in the very dim light before daybreak, we could both see something in the field directly ahead of us......at least a half dozen deer.....just standing there, about 75 yards across the fence. We both took aim, and we both bagged a deer that morning.
We never even made it out of the yard.
Why this story? Because that was the least enjoyable deer season I can recall (other that the first season after my dad was killed, and I hunted alone for the first time). Not because it wasn't successful, but because it was too easy. That wasn't hunting, those deer may as well been a target tied to a tree.
The fun is in the hunt.
And the fun of finding that special someone in your life is in the hunt as well.
Slow down, and enjoy the experience of finding a mate. You will learn as you go, and you will make mistakes. You will be rejected....more than once. But like I said earlier, their is someone out there for you. Be yourself, better yourself, and let it happen. 25 years ago, I met my wife because I gave someone I had never met before a ride home, and she was his sister.
It really can be
that
random.
Post by
Squishalot
I dislike hunting. I dislike the thought that I would need to take an animal's life with my own hands. But if I have to eat, I'll do it. Would I dislike having to stalk an animal for days? Definitely. Would I prefer to have it hand-delivered, deboned, vacuum sealed and ready for cooking? Absolutely. Would I prefer to have it pre-cooked for me? No, because I reckon I could probably do it better and enjoy aspects of cooking.
Not everybody enjoys the hunt. I wouldn't presume to know what an individual will or won't enjoy, but I do know about anxiety, I do know that it's not enjoyable, and I do know that I wouldn't make the assumption that just because I enjoy going out and meeting new people that other people will as well.
Note - I also dislike the idea that you would draw an analogy between finding a girlfriend to shooting a deer for fun. That comes close to a controversial claim made by a Muslim Sheik in Australia that girls dressing in crop tops and short shorts is like uncovered meat to dogs. Just saying, not a fan of it.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
A big part of it is that we're also talking about two entirely different scenarios. The first was an old friend, who you had previously rejected, who you haven't seen for years, that you were attempting to reconnect with. The second is a stranger on a dating website, who is definitely receiving multiple contacts, and is probably going out on dates with them one after the other looking for chemistry.
The first has an established past relationship with you, and because of that would have a reason to get back to you unless she specifically didn't want to. Also, she's not on a dating website, sorting through what are basically applicants for the "boyfriend" position- you contacted her on her personal facebook, as someone she already knew. She's not having to choose between chatting with you or another person because it's not a medium that assumes you are there with romantic interest. If she was interested in being friends, she could have steered it in that direction. In a scenario where she could easily be casually friendly with you, if she doesn't even acknowledge you, then she's definitely not romantically interested.
The second person is definitely looking to date someone, and is going to be meeting one person after another until she finds someone she likes. You have to take into account that this kind of thing takes time, and if she is trying to avoid awkwardness, she'll most likely not make a date with a new person if she's already set up a meeting with someone else. So she may take some time to get back to you if she is going to. She may not even check other messages if she's waiting on a date.
Trying to get somewhere with someone you know is 100% different than arranging a meeting with a stranger on a dating website. And even among people you know, there is so much variation based on the specifics of the situation and the context of the communication. You can't say that because in one specific situation not getting a response right away means they're not interested, then in every correspondence of any type ever with a woman it means the same thing.
I think that the best advice, if you want something across the board, is to not get fixated on a woman before she gives you a reason to. Don't start freaking out about whether she likes you if she won't even speak to you. Don't worry about rejection when it's a stranger who may or may not even be checking that account regularly (since dating profiles tend to be forgotten rather than updated or deleted when people start dating someone). Adamsm is right- the most off-putting thing I can think of in a person is desperation, and when someone gets that emotionally involved in a simple text message (enough to rage quit the dating site), it's a huge red flag that the person is going to be very clingy, and maybe even obsessive, and that's creepy.
The fact that you're getting so worked up over a complete stranger, and that you were so easily able to transfer the focus of that intensity from one person to another, makes me think that you feel that you really need to find SOMEONE, and not any of these girls in particular. And women can tell that, and it's not something that makes for a good relationship.
Post Reply
You are not logged in. Please
log in
to post a reply or
register
if you don't already have an account.