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Post by
Monday
New Orleans, definitely.
Post by
MyTie
Not telling yet, need to add some polish sorry.
What/who is the main character?
Post by
322702
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
I will say that the "hero" at one points ends up in an FMRI to see if he is lying and all the doctor can tell is he is hearing music when their is none.
So, a male. An adult, from the sound of it. I think I see him coming into focus. He is patient, but not good with people. He seems cold to them. But there is one that hasn't given up on him. A brother perhaps. And that brother is helping him out, but for personal reasons?
No no.. that's not right at all.
The man is middle aged, skinny, and a frayed. He's a very lonely guy, with a sense of desperation in everything he does. He has always been overlooked his whole life. His name is never on the reservation list. His train tickets are always lost in the mail. No one remembers his name. The overlooked shade floating through society, searching for purpose, but drowning in irrelevance.
Yeah... that's him, isn't it?
Post by
322702
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
More of the first with out the brother he is in town for new years on a job.
He does some obscure job that he kind of fell into, but loathes?
Post by
322702
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
The ball dropped: people cheered, kissed, and otherwise welcomed the New Year. I took another swig of rum, O how I love the sweet burn. Jazz was playing. That’s one thing these people did right, music. The tempo was building, I couldn’t help but mutter “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.”
The bar was deserted so the bar tender asked “What was that sir?”
“O,” looking at my glass “could I get another?”
He replied “I am going to have to ask you pay for the last 4 first.”
The tempo dropped to a slow, long, deep note. “Could you wait 5 more minutes, but could give me another drink now?”
“Sorry sir but money now or no more drinks, but you don’t have to pay consider the ones you’ve had as a new years gift from the bar.”
“What’s your name?”
“Jason, go by Jay”
“I can pay just give me 5 minutes Jay.”
“Why can you pay in 5 minutes and not now?” “Job will be over, and funds will be deposited in this account at 5 minutes after midnight on New Years Day.” I flashed a debit card. The music move to the next song, a bit faster then the pervious, real nice swing. Looking down at my watch, “O, better get started, I’ll be right back.” I stood up from the stole and disappeared in to the crowd that was weaving between the tables.
The first half of the prolog.
Now I think I am going to sleep night, and Happy new year.
That's half of the prolouge? A guy drinking in a bar? It's a bit short. The 'hook' seems to be that there was a job in which money was made. The first thought that runs through my head is that this guy has a salary job with direct deposit, which goes through at 5 after midnight on the 1st of the month. If you are going to write a proper hook, either you know the entire plot beforehand, and you write a juicy side blot that you later incorporate into the climax, but isn't enough to reveal your twist, or you wait until the end of writing your book, and have a little scrap of meat you saved for the hook. The conversation this guy had took all of what, 3 seconds? And it goes thorough three songs, or the tempo changed 3 times in one song? Uh, not really working.
And a hook leaves someone asking themselves: "I wonder what happens next", but a GREAT hook leaves someone asking themselves: "WTF just happened there. I must know more." The story at the end of the prologue must leave the reader with a sense of urgent dismay. The reader shouldn't at that point, close the book and decide to buy it, but they should immediately move to the next page, the first of chapter 1, while standing there in the book store.
Also avoid cliches. The 'It don't mean a thing' part is way to recognizable. If you want/need to focus on the jazz, then do so, but savor the descriptors. Does the tempo 'build', or does the tempo 'come to live'? Also, don't make the dialogue cumbersome. "I am going to have to ask you to pay for the last 4 first" could be replaced with something like "Pay for the first 4 first". Also, does he simply 'reply' this, or does he 'shout it over the swelling music'.
And last but not least, you are writing this in the first person. That is very difficult to do, because you must always be present and witness the events. There can be no side parts that build up the plot. Plus, any observations about yourself will have to be through your own eyes, which diminishes your ability to be critical of your main character. Usually novels of this sort are written through the third person point of view, which is what your audience will be used to reading. I'm not saying you should write in third person, but if you decide not to, you should tread carefully.
I suppose there is more I could be critical of, but that's a pretty good start. I admire you going out to write your own novel. That's a very noble endeavor. You should see my criticism as purely subjective and constructive, not demeaning.
Let me know how it goes.
Post by
91278
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
baradiel
Morning!
Post by
909566
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Thror
Morning!
You always wake up this late?
Lol. "Subtlety" in practice.
Post by
baradiel
Yesterday I woke up at 10:00 am and went to bed at 5AM...
Post by
Thror
Today I came home at 5 am, went to sleep at 6 and slept until 16.
Post by
baradiel
Today I came home at 5 am, went to sleep at 6 and slept until 16.
Lol nice, i'm going to play Call of Duty MW3.
Post by
909566
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
322702
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Pwntiff
Alright, let's get this year off to a positive start...after all, 2012 will be hard-pressed to be worse than 2011 for me.
Post by
baradiel
Alright, let's get this year off to a positive start...after all, 2012 will be hard-pressed to be worse than 2011 for me.
why?
Post by
Adamsm
Alright, let's get this year off to a positive start...after all, 2012 will be hard-pressed to be worse than 2011 for me.
Good luck man.
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