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Post by
HiVolt
Would anyone want to do me a favor regarding my college essay, by critiquing it?
I wouldn't mind. What's the word count?
Post by
Kristopher
Would anyone want to do me a favor regarding my college essay, by critiquing it?
I wouldn't mind. What's the word count?
423 at the moment. I feel it's a bit weak in some areas but I'm a bit rusty and can't really tell at the moment.
Solved, link removed, this post is unnecessary.
Post by
HiVolt
Your first paragraph is pretty good, but you get a little bogged down after that. I think it's a great idea to use cheating in multiplayer gaming as an analogy to cheating in school, but you're a little scattered in the execution. If I were you, I'd get more detailed and pointed, giving examples from the gaming world and translating them to similar ideas in education or the workforce. Like, someone hacking their own account to give themselves legendary items could be an equivalent of changing your grades through a teacher's computer... something like that. They both raise the expectations others have of you based on false achievements.
Your conclusion is a little weak. It adequately summarizes your ideas, but I don't think it's long enough, and I don't think you use strong enough language. You need to be more forceful in asserting your idea, because right now it comes off as being a little bit passive.
You've also got some grammatical errors you'll need to fix.
Also, never say you've cheated. I know, honesty and all that, but it's better to err on the side of caution when it comes to a college essay. I am assuming that it's an application essay, correct?
If there's no word limit, I would try to bump it up to around 750-1000 words if possible.
Post by
Kristopher
Your first paragraph is pretty good, but you get a little bogged down after that. I think it's a great idea to use cheating in multiplayer gaming as an analogy to cheating in school, but you're a little scattered in the execution. If I were you, I'd get more detailed and pointed, giving examples from the gaming world and translating them to similar ideas in education or the workforce. Like, someone hacking their own account to give themselves legendary items could be an equivalent of changing your grades through a teacher's computer... something like that. They both raise the expectations others have of you based on false achievements.
Noted. That's a good idea.
Your conclusion is a little weak. It adequately summarizes your ideas, but I don't think it's long enough, and I don't think you use strong enough language. You need to be more forceful in asserting your idea, because right now it comes off as being a little bit passive.
I'm terrible at conclusions to be honest. Any essay I've ever written in school has had points taken off of them because of it. But I think I can make it better given your points.
You've also got some grammatical errors you'll need to fix.
That'll be easy, I'll scan over it again when I'm through changing other things.
Also, never say you've cheated. I know, honesty and all that, but it's better to err on the side of caution when it comes to a college essay. I am assuming that it's an application essay, correct?
Alright, and it's a common application essay, yeah.
If there's no word limit, I would try to bump it up to around 750-1000 words if possible.
The word limit is 250-500.
Post by
322702
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Squishalot
Its not a new IP, its gonna be based on an old Pen&Paper RPG called Cyberpunk 2020 (But obviously a few decades later), they're aiming for a release in 2015 (though they quickly added that they're not gonna release it till they're 100% sure beyond shadow of doubt that the game is pure f**king solid gold, kinda like blizzard, except they actually take care of the bugs) its gonna be an open world RPG, very heavily story-based, and non-linear.
I'd just like to chime in here and note that the pen and paper Cyberpunk was an awesome game environment (and a bit disappointed that nobody else knew about it - that was the first thing I thought of when I saw the link, so I'm glad that it's related!). Had its flaws like most RPG games did, but I generally remember it as being pretty good for character development and creation.(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##Squishalot##DELIM##
Post by
Kristopher
So I've made little headway on my essay... crap.
Post by
Lombax
Its not a new IP, its gonna be based on an old Pen&Paper RPG called Cyberpunk 2020 (But obviously a few decades later), they're aiming for a release in 2015 (though they quickly added that they're not gonna release it till they're 100% sure beyond shadow of doubt that the game is pure f**king solid gold, kinda like blizzard, except they actually take care of the bugs) its gonna be an open world RPG, very heavily story-based, and non-linear.
I'd just like to chime in here and note that the pen and paper Cyberpunk was an awesome game environment (and a bit disappointed that nobody else knew about it - that was the first thing I thought of when I saw the link, so I'm glad that it's related!). Had its flaws like most RPG games did, but I generally remember it as being pretty good for character development and creation.
Saw some PDF of the character (of the pnp game) options and it was pretty impressing. Seems that this game is only looking better and better.
Post by
Interest
Evening guys.
Post by
Rankkor
this
is THE BEST part of Austin Powers.
Specially the ending. First time I saw it so many years ago, I spilled my drink when he said that.
Post by
Kristopher
Alright,
here
's my second try. If anyone would like to poke at it, go ahead. I need to go to bed now though, hah, so g'night folks.
Post by
Sagramor
Alright,here's my second try. If anyone would like to poke at it, go ahead. I need to go to bed now though, hah, so g'night folks.
"However you define it, though, it is wrong and dishonest."
Logically unsound, and undefended in your thesis.
"(...)they only pertain to the world inside the game, and are relatively harmless in real life situations"
Need exemplary situation to use for QED.
"For example, accessing a teacher’s computer to change your grades is significantly worse than hacking or modifying files for a game to give your character items that they have not necessarily earned."
Need theoretical support.
"Grades are meant to reflect what you learn as well as the effort you put into your work and learning."
Simply false.
"Since you are not truthfully able to carry this load, eventually it will collapse, exposing yourself as a fraud as well as bringing about the repercussions that come with it."
Not a necessity. There's a lot of people who cheat and get away with it unaffected
If you're gonna cite examples that don't pertain to a well-accepted majority, at least use
some
bibliography to support your claims.
Also, too small. Expand it in order to properly defend the points you raise.
Post by
Rystrave
Also, remember to never use 'you' or 'yourself,' or any other personal pronouns. Restructure your sentencing so you dont have to.
If you have to use it, use 'one' and its variations, ie: instead of "however you may think..." use "However one may think" or "many thoughts on are thought of in many different ways" to avoid it altogether.
Post by
Sagramor
Also, remember to never use 'you' or 'yourself.' Restructure your sentencing so you dont have to.
If you have to use it, use 'one' and its variations, ie: instead of "however you may think..." use "However one may think" or "many thoughts on are thought of in many different ways" to avoid it altogether.
Basically, avoid the 1st and 2nd person(s?).
I'm not sure of grammar nomenclature in English.
Post by
Sas148
Heading to bed then off to Vegas. Night all! :)
Post by
240140
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Haxzor
Because she slept with people
Post by
Interest
Because she slept with people
...
I don't even know if I want to make the joke.
Post by
240140
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Haxzor
Well, if Egypt wasn't ruined maybe we wouldnt have internet today
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