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A wall of text about girl problems incoming >.>
Man, I'm having such a hard time with this girl at the moment. I can't really talk about this to anyone, so I'm going to have to rely on you guys >.> I'm not a very active member here, so you don't know me very well, but I'm a finnish student, and I've dated my current girlfriend for like a year or so.
I've been good friends with this other girl, who happens to be one of my girlfriend's best friends, for a long before I started dating my gf. The girl was always very kind to me and we spent a lot of time together just as friends. However, recently I've started to feel something more towards this girl and I was really bedazzled, since nothing really happened between us to make me feel differently towards her. I started to think about her a lot and started to hang out with her even more. I didn't dare to speak about it to my gf at this point, because I wasn't quite sure what I felt yet.
So one night, I was at this girl's place, just hanging around, watching a movie and so on. After the movie ended, we just started talking about all kinds of stuff and I just randomly told her how I had started to feel towards her. To my surprise, she said that she had felt the same for some time, too. However, she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment. I spent the night at her place, and we just talked "us" over. We agreed to not make any decisions yet.
Now, I want to point out that I love my girlfriend. The last thing I'd like to do, is hurt her. I'm not the cheating type, and there's no way I would break up with her, especially because of something so selfish. I explained this to the girl, and she totally understood. It's her best friend too. There was no way we could just start dating, with the same friends around and everything.
Now, me being the stupid person I am, I kind of forgot about everything rational (that she wasn't ready for a relationship, that I had a girlfriend, that there were other people too; everything) for the next few days, and I started to make myself believe that it could really work out between the two of us. I really got kind of crazy. I wasn't quite sure about her feelings though, so I talked to her again.
She kindly put me down with my, well, fantasies, and explained again why it wouldn't work. She felt really bad to put my hopes down after just telling that she too liked me. However, she asked if we could just be friends again. She told me to hold on to my girlfriend, rather than chasing a fantasy with her.
Now I wasn't too happy about it, but I realized that it would be for the best. I agreed with her to be just friends again.
But after that, she's gotten quite cold. It's really hard to approach her nowadays, and it's really awkward between us, even when we just confessed to each other a couple of weeks ago.
With this I could live with. I knew there was a chance that we'd lose a part of our friendship because of my feelings.
However, I know her quite well and she tends to be quite the martyr. I also have a bad habit of thinking that I know people better than they know themselves.
So, I've gotten myself to think that maybe that wasn't all there's to it. I don't know what to think about right now. I'm thinking that maybe she really didn't want to be just friends, but she wanted to be a good person and give me a way out, and I took it too easily. Maybe she's mad at me, because I didn't chase after her. Maybe she made herself a martyr, and is now sad because of it. I don't know, I'm so confused right now T_T
(Sorry, I'm very emotional right now and it's really late here, so I'm rambling and being inconsistent)
It could well be she thought that you might continue to pursue her, and that's why she's being cold. Though you both already explained it to one another the first time, you still acted on your attraction to her to a certain degree, even after it was explained why the relationship wouldn't work. It's quite possible she doesn't really know how to act around you right now, whether you are a friend or still trying to be something more. She may not really understand it, so is acting distant because she doesn't want to have to deal with it. Sometimes, these sorts of confessions change the dynamic, and you both have to get comfortable around each other again.
My best advice would be to just act like a friend. Don't try to be anything more. Don't court her or treat her like your girlfriend. She'll either become accustomed to this new dynamic and becomes comfortable and your friend once more, or stay distant.
In either case, you don't want to leave your girlfriend. So whether she wanted you to chase her or not, it doesn't matter. Going after her is simply off the table. Accept that, move past it, and for good or ill, everything else should eventually fall into place.
Of course, I'm hardly an expert and know little about the problem outside of what you've said. So take my advice with a grain of salt.
The way I see this (as a 40 yr old who has "been there, and done that" plenty of times, is:
You expressed your feelings to her, and either:
a) She played along, but tried to let you down easy by saying she felt the same way, but wasn't ready for a relationship (the Classic "Its not you, it's me" approach), or
b) She may have feelings for you, but she knows its not right to steal a guy from a friend, so she did the right thing, and gave you a both a chance at a clean escape.
But, you being a guy, didn't take the chance, and you pushed it.
So now, she is giving you a bit stronger hint, by "going cold".
In other words...quit now while you still have your girl.
Yeah, I know what's the right thing to do. I can't chase after her, I have to respect her choice and my girlfriend.
Maybe it's just like oneforthemoney said. I got so used to us being the best friends that now when we're only "buddies", or something, she feels distant, even though I try to act normally.
I didn't even think about that, Magician. That would make a lot of sense though.
I don't think it's the option A though. I'm fairly sure about that. B sounds like it could very well be the case here.
I don't know, it's just so hard to look at her and see her look so gloomy. She doesn't act how she used to, either. I'm reading too much into it, I guess. It's just hard for me to let our friendship die without a fight, but maybe time will help.
You could just (not that anything like this is ever a case of "just" doing it) ask her if she's being cold because of, well, everything. Everything being Magician's option B) (which is my interpretation as well), as it were.
After that, it's up to you (plural). Trite perhaps, but it's up to how much you trust yourselves and each other. Best case, you promise each other to go back to being good friends and manage it (and having lived there I've yet to meet a Finn that didn't take a promise (made while sober) seriously). Worst case, at least you (singular) tried.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, too. I don't think it'll get any worse between us anyway, so I guess it doesn't hurt to try and make things even a bit less awkward. I might wait for a while before speaking to her, though. I want to be clear with my feelings before addressing her on the subject again.
I'm thinking if you had respect for your girlfriend you wouldn't be sneaking around behind her back to hang around with someone you know you have feelings for. And not only that, but discuss a possible relationship with this person. That is just as bad as cheating in my books.
Now, don't get my wrong. I'm not judging you by any means. I went through a very similar situation around two and a half years ago, when I found myself having feelings for my best friend. I lead a 'double life' so to speak, and it was awful to go through not only for myself, but for everyone involved. I know what you are going through.
However, I've now been in a happy relationship with my best friend for (almost) two years.
To me, it sounds like your concern for a 'future' with this girl is more important to you than the current relationship with your girlfriend, just because
is what you are worried about.
Of course, if your girlfriend is completely aware of your feelings for this girl and everything that has happened, ignore the above.
If you honestly are in love with your girlfriend and want to work through things by being with her, tell her about everything, and work through it. Cut off contact with your friend, at least without anyone else there, and focus on your girlfriend.
If you can't do that, then it may be time to rethink your relationship and if you are happy in it.
Judging me is fine. I'm probably the one judging myself the hardest at the moment, though.
However, I'm really just concerned about not losing the precious friendship we had only because I was a fool and fell for her.
Crushes come and go. True friendship lasts.
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