Shall I tell thee? (Short, and I do mean short, story)

Post by oneforthemoney

Shall I tell thee what I’ve seen, that lonely night upon the moors, when the moon shone blue and bathed the earth in frigid light? Do I hate you enough to do so? Do I love you enough? Shall I tell thee of how the sparkling diamonds of stars were denied by smoke of sulfuric reds and acrid greens? How the flames of the pyres burned a horrid blue, and by its glow I saw those who revelled in such eldritch light? Of men who were no longer men, so hideous their deformities, of creatures that should not, could not be? Shall I tell thee of how they danced to music that thudded and screamed through the mind and sent many of us to our knees in pain, played on instruments ancient and abominable? On lyres whose strings glowed red with newly strung gut, on pan flutes that shone in the fire with the ebon white of bone, on drums whose leathery hides denoted vile and horrid making? How beyond the trees, flickering amongst the light, things stirred that had not since the bricks of Babylon baked? How they scuttled in shadows, clicking like insects, and with eyes that glittered and moved like they settled on stalks instead of skull? How I and the others eventually ran, screaming into the night, hoping, praying, begging for mercy from whatever might heed such pleas? How I do not know in what manner I returned home, only that I was alone when I arrived? How I had not the courage to even look back, and see if others had survived? No, I do not hate you enough; I do not love you enough, to subject thee to such torments. So I flee to the last solace that awaits such wretched souls as I. I flee, and beg that it is not the burning blue of those pyres that await me.

Forgive me, my dear,

Eric Strothan.

Post by oneforthemoney

Fear my flash fiction! Had to write something quick for a creative writing class I'm doing. Liked it, ergo thought I'd share it here, as I can't remember the last time I posted my writing.

Post by 355559

This post was from a user who has deleted their account.

Post by Monday

Heh.

I approve, there's always room for more cosmic horror, or even just horror in the world.

This exactly. A very Lovecraftian/Poe feel to it. I approve.

Post by oneforthemoney

Heh.

I approve, there's always room for more cosmic horror, or even just horror in the world.

This exactly. A very Lovecraftian/Poe feel to it. I approve.

Thanks. I just received a couple of Lovecraftian books and had them in mind when I worte it. Glad I encaptured the spirit.

Post by Monday

Which ones were you reading?

Post by oneforthemoney

For this one? I primarily drew from Nyarlthotep.

Post by HiVolt

It's pretty good. I think the tone and style are perfect for what you're trying to convey. You do have some grammatical errors that hinder the flow and consistency, though.

Your original work is in normal text, my edits are underlined.
Shall I tell thee what I’ve seen, that lonely night upon the moors when the moon shone blue and bathed the earth in frigid light?
Removed the comma before, "when," to help with the flow of the sentence.
Do I love you too little?
Since this is a letter to his wife, I'm assuming, it seems odd for Eric to say, "Do I love you enough?"
Shall I tell thee of how the sparkling diamonds of stars were denied by smoke of sulfuric reds and acrid greens? Of how the flames of the pyres burned a horrid blue, and by its glow I saw those who reveled in such eldritch light? Of men who were no longer men, so hideous their deformities? Of creatures that should not... could not be? Made a few changes to help the consistency here. You seem to start a series of questions that all pertain to the same subject in some way with, "Shall I tell thee of _____." In order to keep consistency, with every descriptive question that you ask, you need to include that, "of" at the beginning of the sentence. Also corrected your spelling error and added an ellipse in place of a comma. I believe the ellipse adds a better pause to emphasize the gravity of the statement.
Shall I tell thee of how they danced to music, played on instruments ancient and abominable, that thudded and screamed through the mind and sent many of us to our knees in pain? Of lyres whose strings glowed red with newly strung gut? Of pan flutes that shone in the fire with the dull white of bone? Of drums whose leathery hides denoted a vile and horrid make? First, I moved the appositive in the first question from the end to the middle, just after the object it's describing. Also made the same earlier changes for consistency.
Shall I tell thee of how, beyond the trees, flickering amongst the light, things stirred that had not since the bricks of Babylon baked? Of how they scuttled in shadows, clicking like insects? Of their eyes that glittered and moved like they rested on stalks instead of in skulls? Made consistency changes, and separated a couple of sentences. Also changed, "settled," to, "rested," as the former implies that the eyes might remove themselves from the stalks at any given moment. If that's the idea you were going for, feel free to ignore the change.
Shall I tell thee of how I and the others eventually ran, screaming into the night: hoping, praying, begging for mercy from whatever might heed such pleas? Of how I do not know in what manner I returned home, only that I was alone when I arrived? Of how I had not the courage to even look back, and see if others had survived? More consistency changes. Also changed the appositive in the first question to start with a colon. I feel it works better to act as a qualifier for the running and screaming when started with the colon due to the short list of verbs that follow.
No! I do not hate you enough, nor do I love you too little to subject thee to such torments. So, I flee to the last solace that awaits such wretched souls as I. Changed the comma to an exclamation point. I feel that answering all of the previous grim questions with a strong but simple exclamation is a better way to show the emotion that Eric is having to try to convey here. Also changed the, "love," question to reflect the earlier change and removed the comma afterward to help with the flow of the sentence. I also added a comma after, "so," because you have to include one when you start a sentence with a conjunctive word or phrase.

All-in-all, you did a good job. I like it. I'd really like to read more from you.

Shall I tell thee? (Short, and I do mean short, story)

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